I won't write you back if

This is a new section of my blog where I post red flags I find on OkCupid and will be directly copying it for your viewing pleasure.

I won't write you back if the movie portion of your profile looks like this


"Movies: In no particular order:

Superman, Superman Returns, Batman, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, Spiderman, X-Men, Star Wars, Iron Man, Clerks, Mallrats, The Great Outdoors, The Jerk, Father of the Bride, Big, The Burbs, Joe Versus the Volcano, The Money Pit, My Blue Heaven, The Toy, See No Evil Hear No Evil, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Adventures in Babysitting, Planes Trains & Automobiles, Little Shop of Horrors, Uncle Buck, Who's Harry Crumb, Armed and Dangerous, Bottle Rocket, Envy, Best in Show, A Christmas Story, License to Drive, Encino Man, Summer Rental, Weekend at Bernies, Brewster's Millions, Herlem Nights, Spaceballs, Gleaming the Cube, Cocoon, the Karate Kid, Commando, total recall, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, the Incredibles, Legend, Airborne, Beverly Hills Cop 1-3, 48 Hours, The Golden Child, Coneheads, Airheads, Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, Juno, The Wedding Singer, Dirty Work, The Waterboy, Little Nicky, Waynes World, UHF, Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, Half Baked, Up in Smoke, Still Smoking, Reality Bites, Empire Records, Joe Dirt, PCU, Zoolander, Spies Like Us, Stripes, Splash, Caddyshack, Animal House, National Lampoons Vacation, European Vacation, Christmas Vacation, Galaxy Quest, Eurotrip, Austin Powers, Blazing Saddles, Tin Cup, Prefontaine, The Royal Tenenbaums, Rushmore, Beerfest, Superbad, Accepted, Harold and Kumar, Old School, Anchor Man, The Hangover, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, So I Married an Axe Murderer, Clue, Forrest Gump, Scary Movie, Friday, Dumb and Dumber, The Cable Guy, Naked Gun, Top Secret, Better Off Dead, One Crazy Summer, Kingpin, Grandma's Boy, What About Bob, Fletch, Ghostbusters, Con Air, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Summer School, High School High, How High, Pineallpe Express, Back to School, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Dazed and Confused, The Replacements, The Program, The Last Boy Scout, Necessary Roughness, The Express, Cannibal! The Musical, Orgasmo, BASEketball, Back To The Future, Pink Floyd: The Wall, The Fifth Element, Hot Fuzz, Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure, Flight of the Navigator, Throw Mama from the Train, DARYL, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Cry Baby, Cheech and Chong Movies, Van Wilder, Dead Man on Campus, The Poseidon Adventure, Shaun of the Dead, 28 Days Later, Zombieland, Inglorious Basterds, Boyz in the Hood, Menace II Society, CB4, The Graduate, Project X, The Philadelphia Experiment, Jurassic Park, The Princess Bride, Army of Darkness, Evil Dead, Bubba Ho-tep, Beetlejuice, Revenge Of the Nerds, Police Academy, Teen Wolf, Real Genius, The Three Amigos, Loose Cannons, Dodgeball, Starship Troopers, True Romance, True Lies, Last Action Hero, Ultimate Avengers, Point Break, Napolean Dynamite, American Pie 1&2, The Doors, Swingers, Bulworth, Big Trouble in Little China, I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, Hustle & Flow, Silence of the Lambs, 12 Monkeys, The Big Lebowski, Scrooged, American History X, Sniper, Usual Suspects, Bad Boys, Grosse Pointe Blank, A Clockwork Orange, American Beauty, Rain Man, Rounders, Bourne Identity, Wallstreet, Boogie Nights, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Adaptation, A Beautiful Mind, Being John Malkovich, The Basketball Diaries, Die Hard, Bloodsport, Lionheart, Flatliners, Clear and Present Danger, A Few Good men, The Fugitive, Patriot Games, Dead Poets Society, Natural Born Killers, Dark City, Darkman, Friday Night Lights, Remember The Titans, Rudy, Cyborg, Mad Max, Highlander, Indiana Jones, Lord Of the Rings, Harry Potter, Apocalypse Now, Sin City, Snatch, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Sherlock Holmes, Fight Club, Boondock Saints, American Gangster, Four Rooms, The Men Who Stare at Goats, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Top Gun, Saving Private Ryan, Platoon, Gladiator, The Patriot, The Rock, Gran Turino, Reservoir Dogs, Almost every James Bond Movie, All Bruce Lee Movies, Braveheart, The Goonies, Gremlins, Hackers, PI, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, King of New York, Jaws, The Abyss, Alpha Dog, Stand By Me, Lean on Me, Th Lost Boys, The Outsiders, The Godfather, Pulp Fiction, Good Will Hunting, Good Morning Vietnam, From Dusk till Dawn, Walk the Line, The Shawshank Redemption, Taxi Driver, Se7en, Scarface, Donnie Brasco, Casino, Goodfellas, Full Metal Jacket, Platoon, Robocop, Lethal Weapon, Heat, A Bronx Tale, Arachnophobia, Enemy of the State, The Matrix trilogy, Blade Runner, Barbarella, Running Man, Enter The Dragon, Game of Death, The Game, Surviving the Game, Terminator, Rambo, Predator, Alien, District 9, Full Metal Jacket, Donnie Darko, Invasion of the Bodysnatchers, ET, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Independence Day, Fire in the Sky, The Shining, Hellraiser, The Butterfly Effect, Mad Max, Timecop, Stargate, Men in Black, All Star Trek Movies. Let me know if I missed anything."

I want my 99 cents back

This chick book is terrible. How am I supposed to consider it a guilty pleasure and conjur up the man of my dreams, when this is the description of the dream dude..

"He looked comfortable in his usual jeans and a faded U2 elevation concert tour t-shirt. He was barefoot and sporting a salon-induced tan, his brown hair perfectly coiffed, as always with a few orangey-blonde streaks in his bangs."

I think she just described Bon Jovi.

I spend enough time dodging this same exact dude on OKCupid.

That's it. Imma go outside and build a snow man with my roommates. Besides, I'd rather my men pale, lacking that salon induced douchetan.

Snowtastrophy

Well, it's another snow day. I will never ever be annoyed by snow. I don't care how uncoordinated I am, how much I fall in it, how much the cold makes me have to pee. The fact that it is 100% acceptable to not get off my ass for 2 days gives me endless pleasure. I have 2 bottles of wine, 2 cats and endless supply of artery clogging food waiting to be consumed. Well not the cats, don't get me wrong I probably would if it came down to it.

Life. is. good.

I already broke kindle rule number one. It was a self imposed rule, similar to when I got my first iPod. The rule being that I will only read books that I won't be ashamed of if anyone picks it up. But with threat of looming snowstorm and finishing of my last book, I needed something. The kindle gods told me that a chick book, complete with fat intelligent woman finding love was only 99 cents. It was fate. So now, as I'm stuffing my face full of cheese covered tostitoes, I can envision that there is hope for me. If I wasn't about 95% positive that this author is currently wiping the same tostito crumbs from her keyboard while penning her follow up book, "No really, Keep eating, Someone will Love You."

Now I have to figure out a way to stretch $190 dollars across 2 weeks. I ended up spending all of this paycheck on silly little things like rent and bills and more important things like this awesome case for my computer.

I've been much better with my OKCupiding as of late. I usually don't talk to anyone and just man shop, but I've actually loosened up and written a few candidates back.

Next step: I'm going to practice the art of juggling. I'm single, young, still have my looks. I shouldn't be sitting around waiting till these tostitoes catch up with me.

He said

See guy's answer to my previous post.

Ok, so Short and Curly called me out on some internet dating nonsense. I'll admit it, with just a tinge of shame, I too am, or was, an internet dater. Sac omitted one interesting little tidbit about her internet dating history, though. It's where we met oh so many years ago.

I'm pretty sure I never quantified my approach to internet dating the way she did because I'm not as much of an overthinker. But there are definitely some things I kept in mind whilst browsing the morass of desperation and gross casual sex that is OkC.

Pictures and Such:

Pixelated and out of focus - seriously, the number of people who can't just upload a proper sized pic to this site is astounding. But, it's a quick and easy way to eliminate retards.

Old boyfriend poorly cropped out, with a block over his face or not obscured at all - hung up. If you do go out on a date with this person you'll spend most of the night hearing stories about how awesome/awful this dood was/is.

More than one picture with more than one friend - trying too hard to overcome internet dating stigma. "Look I have real friends!!!!" It's 2010, calm down, everyone internet dates.

Face only photo, self taken, from above - I'm just gonna go ahead and guess that you and I have wildly different interpretations of the term "slender" when it comes to body type.

And now, since this blog is mostly about me making fun of myself, here are some "tweaks" I made in crafting my own profiles:

Hats - I did this without even realizing it. It's no secret that my hair has been beating a hasty retreat to my shoulders and ears for some time now. Turns out that I am subconsciously a little more insecure about this than I'd like to be, as I was wearing a hat in every picture in my most recent profile.

Career Description - I hate describing my job because it sucks, it's nothing I want to do with my life and there's no way to frame it to seem impressive. This section usually became a way to show off my biting wit and self-effacing hilarity. Usually something like: I gleam the cubicle from 9-5 blah blah blah.

Movies, Books, TV etc - I have great taste in all this shit, if I may toot my own horn a little bit. But, I've got a penchant for sloppy romcoms, shitty teen coming of age or transformation movies, the occasional musical, terrible mopey whiteboy pop and the like. Did I hone up to any of that? Hell no.

In the end, internet dating is no worse or better a place to meet people. Granted, it seems to be a bit more tolerable for guys, as girls are way less creepy than us, and if you're not a complete cretin you get to meet some awesome women and walk away with some good friends if the dating shit doesn't work out. But, I think, for me at least, I'm just gonna stick with real life for a while. Parades have been a great place as of late.

Quick Cheat Sheet to online dating

Online dating.

It used to be treated like touching one's self. Sure, lots of people do it, but for the love of God, don't ever admit it. Well, I have a surprisingly high shame threshold and I am going to out myself. I ... am... an online dater. Phew, now that's out of the way let me tell you a few things I've notice whilst man shopping. Oh, and he doesn't know it yet, but Imma have my guy friend do the lady counterpart list at later date. (Special thanks to him, for allowing me to use his photo.) So here goes. This is mostly in or around OKCupid, because it's free and I'm as cheap as I am lazy.

Photos:

Extreme closeup- fat
Smirks, serious emo faces, general unhappiness- Fucked up teeth.
More than one cat picture- Gay
Smoking- pretentious

Looking for:

"Short term relationships" - Casual sex
"Activity partners"- Casual sex
"Long term activity partners"- Casual sex
"Casual sex"= Someone to make out with in their mom's basement

Game

Some girls have it, some don't. I tend to fall into the realm of the latter. Ever since I can remember, I've relied on a certain level of, well what I believe to be humor to get some one's attention. Looking back, I can remember summers at the Jersey Shore. In fact, I think the younger me could teach Snooki a thing or two. I would set my sights on a lifeguard, and immediately plot a way to get his attention. Surely, once I had his attention the rest would be fall right into place. We would marry, I would birth his especially buoyant children, and we would live a long sea fearing life together. So back to the plan.

More often than not, I would decide to pack my one piece bathing suit (I was probably around 6 years old) with sand. Not just a little sand, but I really packed it in there to the gills, enough to for it to appear that I was about 7 months with child. I would then circle the lifeguard stand. Why I did this, I'm still not sure. Maybe to show him I wasn't like all of those other immature 6 year olds. So, despite the chafing and despite the fact that I'd be finding sand for weeks, I never gave up. I would repeat this exercise daily for our entire beach week. When I got into my awkward teen years I gave up the sand stuffing in favor of a more direct approach.

My friends and I would look at the names carved into the stand and convince ourselves these were the names of our unwilling lovers. So we would make up songs. They weren't even particularly good songs. For example...

"Hey Joe, whatdoya know! Show me what's worth the show!"

Naturally, then we'd then follow the lifeguards home so that later we could stroll by their houses with especially doe eyed expressions, humming a few bars of our siren songs.

I still find myself doing this in a way today. As I'm listening to my iPod, strolling to and from work, I catch myself trying to match my expression or my walk to the music I'm listening to. As if everyone can hear my music by reading my face. And think, "Well that girl has good taste, I should write a missed connection about her." That reminds me, I haven't looked through them today. Here's hoping.

A list

Warning:

This is Girly (with a capital G), so if you continue reading and get pissed you wasted your time, joke’s on you.

Whining:

I used to write for this one Philly Girl dating blog. I liked doing it. It was fun. But after a while it forced me to admit to myself that I am both an inherently awful dater and I was still in the same position as when I started a year earlier. And thay wasn’t the position I was lookin’ for, if ya know what I mean (badabing.) I started to feel like I needed to preface each post with “I’m not fat….but, here’s why I’m single this week…”

So, by forcing myself to look at my dating style I can acknowledge that rarely does a dude live up to the long list of standards by which I judge them. Thus I’ve been officially single for about three years. It’s my longest dry spell in a while. And when I actually sit down to look at my non-existent-yet-impossible-to-measure-up-to-list, it becomes very clear why I’m in said state. List consists of, but it by no means limited to…

1.) Being impossibly good looking, minimal scruff to light beard. Anything less or more is unacceptable.

2.) 5’10 or taller. Sure, I’m only 5’2 but there’s something about being picked up that I love.

3.) A little hipster but not too hipster. People don’t understand this distinction and always set me up with beardos who look like they’ve been hiding out in the woods for the last 20 years mailing bombs to all of the people who failed to appreciate their eclectic taste of indie music in high school.

4.) My family is very very religious. I am not. So it would help if they were raised catholic/ christian and have strayed or can at least flirt with my mom enough that she’ll forgive the fact that he, and our future family, will inevitably burn in hell. I’m already OK with that fact. I like the heat. In fact, I never even put an air conditioner up this summer.

5.) Has a job (see#3.) I can barely support my cats and myself.

6.) Can make me laugh. Now I realize this is a tall order. So I’m cool as long as you laugh at my jokes, 'cause I’m funny as shit.

7.) You are Ryan Gosling

That’s just the preliminary round. I’ll tell you the others if I ever find a dude who can pass round one. Note: This isn’t to say that if he has a little more 6 than 5, he isn’t acceptable. E.g. If he has no beard and flirts with my mom like a champ, well, then let the hell fires burn.

Clean linens, clean life.

I've finally washed the residual shame out of my sheets that was left over from my last relationshiplette. It took a week to do but that's only because I was fresh out of quarters. The only things that remain to be cleared are the newly found gutpunch whenever I hear the XX album that I got him into, and the nervous feeling when I walk into one of our shared hangouts.

In the grand scheme of things, this was a nothing, a small insignificant nonblip on the dating map of my life. Why it is important now is because he was the first person I'd kinda liked in a long time. And he was dangerously close to breaking through what my therapist refers to as my emotional containment (I'm still riding high from that diagnosis, I take it to mean cool and aloof, like the Fonz)

Lessons learned from this short affair:

When a guy tells you he is "emotionally unavailable" on the second date. Note the glaring, blinding red flag and run. Run like you've never run before.

When you're playing games in his room and find long brown hairs that look like they belong to that chick posting pictures all over his facebook. They are hers. Run.

Telling you that he isn't ruling out the possibility of a relationship in the distant future, means he has a lot more facebook girls left to bang. I'm telling you to run, so run ok?

When he mails the earplugs you left at his apartment (he snored really loud. don't judge me) to your work after you emaily dumped him, realize someone has more issues than you. Be happy you are no longer dealing with those issues and stop running.

Meet the competition

This is Chuck. Well, I can call him Chuck because we're close like that. You can call him Charlie. He currently holds the key to my heart. You see, he has all of the qualities I look for in a mate. He's not codependent. Sure, we have fun. But we know when to say when.

He doesn't need to be all up in my business. He's got scruff. I can't date a man who is cleanly shaven. I like a man.

He doesn't cuddle. I can't sleep with you breathing your hot breath into the nape of my neck. Sleep time is my time, don't encroach on it. He doesn't.

He's a little shorter than I like my men, but what he lacks in height, he makes up for in personality.

Oh Chuck, do you exist in human form?