Hobbies

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a grandiose approach to hobbies. But what I lack in motivation, I make up for in no follow through. My latest venture was photography. I spent 600 bones on a digital SLR and an additional 300 on a class at Fliescher (It was a 10 week class, of which I missed 3.)

I think my main issue is that I surround myself with really talented people, so I'm kind of ashamed to show them my amateur attempts at photography. Well, ya gotta start somewhere. So, I'm going to put my shame aside and share some photos I've taken once in a while. Here's a link to a small batch. More will come later.

He said

See guy's answer to my previous post.

Ok, so Short and Curly called me out on some internet dating nonsense. I'll admit it, with just a tinge of shame, I too am, or was, an internet dater. Sac omitted one interesting little tidbit about her internet dating history, though. It's where we met oh so many years ago.

I'm pretty sure I never quantified my approach to internet dating the way she did because I'm not as much of an overthinker. But there are definitely some things I kept in mind whilst browsing the morass of desperation and gross casual sex that is OkC.

Pictures and Such:

Pixelated and out of focus - seriously, the number of people who can't just upload a proper sized pic to this site is astounding. But, it's a quick and easy way to eliminate retards.

Old boyfriend poorly cropped out, with a block over his face or not obscured at all - hung up. If you do go out on a date with this person you'll spend most of the night hearing stories about how awesome/awful this dood was/is.

More than one picture with more than one friend - trying too hard to overcome internet dating stigma. "Look I have real friends!!!!" It's 2010, calm down, everyone internet dates.

Face only photo, self taken, from above - I'm just gonna go ahead and guess that you and I have wildly different interpretations of the term "slender" when it comes to body type.

And now, since this blog is mostly about me making fun of myself, here are some "tweaks" I made in crafting my own profiles:

Hats - I did this without even realizing it. It's no secret that my hair has been beating a hasty retreat to my shoulders and ears for some time now. Turns out that I am subconsciously a little more insecure about this than I'd like to be, as I was wearing a hat in every picture in my most recent profile.

Career Description - I hate describing my job because it sucks, it's nothing I want to do with my life and there's no way to frame it to seem impressive. This section usually became a way to show off my biting wit and self-effacing hilarity. Usually something like: I gleam the cubicle from 9-5 blah blah blah.

Movies, Books, TV etc - I have great taste in all this shit, if I may toot my own horn a little bit. But, I've got a penchant for sloppy romcoms, shitty teen coming of age or transformation movies, the occasional musical, terrible mopey whiteboy pop and the like. Did I hone up to any of that? Hell no.

In the end, internet dating is no worse or better a place to meet people. Granted, it seems to be a bit more tolerable for guys, as girls are way less creepy than us, and if you're not a complete cretin you get to meet some awesome women and walk away with some good friends if the dating shit doesn't work out. But, I think, for me at least, I'm just gonna stick with real life for a while. Parades have been a great place as of late.

Quick Cheat Sheet to online dating

Online dating.

It used to be treated like touching one's self. Sure, lots of people do it, but for the love of God, don't ever admit it. Well, I have a surprisingly high shame threshold and I am going to out myself. I ... am... an online dater. Phew, now that's out of the way let me tell you a few things I've notice whilst man shopping. Oh, and he doesn't know it yet, but Imma have my guy friend do the lady counterpart list at later date. (Special thanks to him, for allowing me to use his photo.) So here goes. This is mostly in or around OKCupid, because it's free and I'm as cheap as I am lazy.

Photos:

Extreme closeup- fat
Smirks, serious emo faces, general unhappiness- Fucked up teeth.
More than one cat picture- Gay
Smoking- pretentious

Looking for:

"Short term relationships" - Casual sex
"Activity partners"- Casual sex
"Long term activity partners"- Casual sex
"Casual sex"= Someone to make out with in their mom's basement

Game

Some girls have it, some don't. I tend to fall into the realm of the latter. Ever since I can remember, I've relied on a certain level of, well what I believe to be humor to get some one's attention. Looking back, I can remember summers at the Jersey Shore. In fact, I think the younger me could teach Snooki a thing or two. I would set my sights on a lifeguard, and immediately plot a way to get his attention. Surely, once I had his attention the rest would be fall right into place. We would marry, I would birth his especially buoyant children, and we would live a long sea fearing life together. So back to the plan.

More often than not, I would decide to pack my one piece bathing suit (I was probably around 6 years old) with sand. Not just a little sand, but I really packed it in there to the gills, enough to for it to appear that I was about 7 months with child. I would then circle the lifeguard stand. Why I did this, I'm still not sure. Maybe to show him I wasn't like all of those other immature 6 year olds. So, despite the chafing and despite the fact that I'd be finding sand for weeks, I never gave up. I would repeat this exercise daily for our entire beach week. When I got into my awkward teen years I gave up the sand stuffing in favor of a more direct approach.

My friends and I would look at the names carved into the stand and convince ourselves these were the names of our unwilling lovers. So we would make up songs. They weren't even particularly good songs. For example...

"Hey Joe, whatdoya know! Show me what's worth the show!"

Naturally, then we'd then follow the lifeguards home so that later we could stroll by their houses with especially doe eyed expressions, humming a few bars of our siren songs.

I still find myself doing this in a way today. As I'm listening to my iPod, strolling to and from work, I catch myself trying to match my expression or my walk to the music I'm listening to. As if everyone can hear my music by reading my face. And think, "Well that girl has good taste, I should write a missed connection about her." That reminds me, I haven't looked through them today. Here's hoping.

Tuesday's Tunes

I meant to get this album a while back, when my friend used it in a video he made. Well I was lazy, and that laziness meant that I missed them when they played at Kung Fu Necktie on Friday. Lesson learned. Be more proactive. I'll start that later.

Also, I apologize for the youtube links to album cover art but I'm technologically illiterate and when my friend tried to explain how to embed mp3s, my brain shut off and all I heard was, "Who wants cake?"

Check out Freelance Whales and my favorite song off of the album Weathervanes (which on the whole is really good)

Update: My dear friend Emily let me know that they are coming to Johnny Brenda's in March. I have already bought my tickets.

A list

Warning:

This is Girly (with a capital G), so if you continue reading and get pissed you wasted your time, joke’s on you.

Whining:

I used to write for this one Philly Girl dating blog. I liked doing it. It was fun. But after a while it forced me to admit to myself that I am both an inherently awful dater and I was still in the same position as when I started a year earlier. And thay wasn’t the position I was lookin’ for, if ya know what I mean (badabing.) I started to feel like I needed to preface each post with “I’m not fat….but, here’s why I’m single this week…”

So, by forcing myself to look at my dating style I can acknowledge that rarely does a dude live up to the long list of standards by which I judge them. Thus I’ve been officially single for about three years. It’s my longest dry spell in a while. And when I actually sit down to look at my non-existent-yet-impossible-to-measure-up-to-list, it becomes very clear why I’m in said state. List consists of, but it by no means limited to…

1.) Being impossibly good looking, minimal scruff to light beard. Anything less or more is unacceptable.

2.) 5’10 or taller. Sure, I’m only 5’2 but there’s something about being picked up that I love.

3.) A little hipster but not too hipster. People don’t understand this distinction and always set me up with beardos who look like they’ve been hiding out in the woods for the last 20 years mailing bombs to all of the people who failed to appreciate their eclectic taste of indie music in high school.

4.) My family is very very religious. I am not. So it would help if they were raised catholic/ christian and have strayed or can at least flirt with my mom enough that she’ll forgive the fact that he, and our future family, will inevitably burn in hell. I’m already OK with that fact. I like the heat. In fact, I never even put an air conditioner up this summer.

5.) Has a job (see#3.) I can barely support my cats and myself.

6.) Can make me laugh. Now I realize this is a tall order. So I’m cool as long as you laugh at my jokes, 'cause I’m funny as shit.

7.) You are Ryan Gosling

That’s just the preliminary round. I’ll tell you the others if I ever find a dude who can pass round one. Note: This isn’t to say that if he has a little more 6 than 5, he isn’t acceptable. E.g. If he has no beard and flirts with my mom like a champ, well, then let the hell fires burn.

A feast for your ears

There's nothing better than finding a new good album. There are no memories, no associations, no strings--just pure ear candy.

Here's what I'm listening to today.

Broken Bells. It's a collaboration between Danger Mouse and James Mercer of The Shins.

Update: They made a video


The High Road

Broken Bells | MySpace Music Videos

Live. Learn. Laugh.

I want to marry this man. Although I think if i met him in real life I would be afraid of him. My parents would hate him because he makes naughty jokes. But then I realize that's why I like him in the first place. Good thing my second shrink appointment is coming up. Imma send her this link.

Clean linens, clean life.

I've finally washed the residual shame out of my sheets that was left over from my last relationshiplette. It took a week to do but that's only because I was fresh out of quarters. The only things that remain to be cleared are the newly found gutpunch whenever I hear the XX album that I got him into, and the nervous feeling when I walk into one of our shared hangouts.

In the grand scheme of things, this was a nothing, a small insignificant nonblip on the dating map of my life. Why it is important now is because he was the first person I'd kinda liked in a long time. And he was dangerously close to breaking through what my therapist refers to as my emotional containment (I'm still riding high from that diagnosis, I take it to mean cool and aloof, like the Fonz)

Lessons learned from this short affair:

When a guy tells you he is "emotionally unavailable" on the second date. Note the glaring, blinding red flag and run. Run like you've never run before.

When you're playing games in his room and find long brown hairs that look like they belong to that chick posting pictures all over his facebook. They are hers. Run.

Telling you that he isn't ruling out the possibility of a relationship in the distant future, means he has a lot more facebook girls left to bang. I'm telling you to run, so run ok?

When he mails the earplugs you left at his apartment (he snored really loud. don't judge me) to your work after you emaily dumped him, realize someone has more issues than you. Be happy you are no longer dealing with those issues and stop running.

Meet the competition

This is Chuck. Well, I can call him Chuck because we're close like that. You can call him Charlie. He currently holds the key to my heart. You see, he has all of the qualities I look for in a mate. He's not codependent. Sure, we have fun. But we know when to say when.

He doesn't need to be all up in my business. He's got scruff. I can't date a man who is cleanly shaven. I like a man.

He doesn't cuddle. I can't sleep with you breathing your hot breath into the nape of my neck. Sleep time is my time, don't encroach on it. He doesn't.

He's a little shorter than I like my men, but what he lacks in height, he makes up for in personality.

Oh Chuck, do you exist in human form?

You should know

Well, If you're reading this you probably already know me. If you don't, you've most likely come across this blog in error, so you wouldn't have read this far. But I'll do this anyway. Since you will be with me for a while, you should know a little about me. Here's a list of the most important items.

1. I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body. (I love musicals, theater, and the show of it all)
2. I need to be the center of attention at all times.
3. I'm afraid of commitment. It's kind of like listening to the radio. OK, I've found a song, but what if there is something way better on another channel and I just don't know it?
4. I'm open and honest, and divulge way too much. Some girls put on a date persona. I'm not that girl. From bodily functions to brainfarts, I have no filter.
5. I'm terrified of online dating. Even though I'm doing it, I secretly judge the guys I date for being there, too.
6. Depending on who you are talking to I'm funny, smartish and reasonably attractive (mostly because I have great, big, distracting hair and I'm kinda tiny.) I'm not saying this to be cocky, I'm just putting it in there so you don't assume that's one of the reasons that I'm still single.
7. I'm the worst with grammar and spelling, so if this is going to be an issue for you, stop reading now. I'm not the one for you.
8. I lit an amazing candle that I just got from Anthropology and it's putting me to sleep and giving me a headache at the same time.
9. I can count to nine

In the beginning...

There was a girl (me.) I had all the qualities of being a normal girl. But somewhere along the way, where, no one can say for sure, something went horribly wrong. Whether it was my extremely religious and quirky upbringing (one time we held a funeral for our toilets in our backyard. Burial and all.) Or a string of failed relationships, which led to quotes such as "I like you, but to a degree", and the equally flattering "I like you. But not as much as you like me."

I find myself here. My love of bacon is slowly starting to settle into my midsection. My emotional wall is one rejected brink away from impenetrable. And I'm a little too content living with my sister and two cats. And as I sit here thinking that my cat Charlie is all the man I will ever need, I realize it's now or never.

I'm straddling the fine line between finding love, or finding myself knitting sweaters out of cat hair. I think I want to try for the former. Here I go.

So sit back, relax, and prepare to be underwhelmed.