A list

Warning:

This is Girly (with a capital G), so if you continue reading and get pissed you wasted your time, joke’s on you.

Whining:

I used to write for this one Philly Girl dating blog. I liked doing it. It was fun. But after a while it forced me to admit to myself that I am both an inherently awful dater and I was still in the same position as when I started a year earlier. And thay wasn’t the position I was lookin’ for, if ya know what I mean (badabing.) I started to feel like I needed to preface each post with “I’m not fat….but, here’s why I’m single this week…”

So, by forcing myself to look at my dating style I can acknowledge that rarely does a dude live up to the long list of standards by which I judge them. Thus I’ve been officially single for about three years. It’s my longest dry spell in a while. And when I actually sit down to look at my non-existent-yet-impossible-to-measure-up-to-list, it becomes very clear why I’m in said state. List consists of, but it by no means limited to…

1.) Being impossibly good looking, minimal scruff to light beard. Anything less or more is unacceptable.

2.) 5’10 or taller. Sure, I’m only 5’2 but there’s something about being picked up that I love.

3.) A little hipster but not too hipster. People don’t understand this distinction and always set me up with beardos who look like they’ve been hiding out in the woods for the last 20 years mailing bombs to all of the people who failed to appreciate their eclectic taste of indie music in high school.

4.) My family is very very religious. I am not. So it would help if they were raised catholic/ christian and have strayed or can at least flirt with my mom enough that she’ll forgive the fact that he, and our future family, will inevitably burn in hell. I’m already OK with that fact. I like the heat. In fact, I never even put an air conditioner up this summer.

5.) Has a job (see#3.) I can barely support my cats and myself.

6.) Can make me laugh. Now I realize this is a tall order. So I’m cool as long as you laugh at my jokes, 'cause I’m funny as shit.

7.) You are Ryan Gosling

That’s just the preliminary round. I’ll tell you the others if I ever find a dude who can pass round one. Note: This isn’t to say that if he has a little more 6 than 5, he isn’t acceptable. E.g. If he has no beard and flirts with my mom like a champ, well, then let the hell fires burn.